Still being abused all these years later

When I was seven years old, my biological dad passed away. He was my everything. I didn’t have a close bond with my mother and they were divorced by the time he passed. It was traumatic.

My mom soon started seeing another man. It was understandable; she was a single mother trying to raise three young daughters; me being the middle child. The man she started seeing was a friend of both my deceased dad and mom. They eventually got married. I never really liked him but he did take a special interest in me.

They used to fight a lot and my mom used to go out clubbing with her friends, leaving him in charge to look after us girls (including his own daughter). He drank a lot. He didn’t mind my mom going out. At night he would come drunk into my room. Fiddling with me and leaving a R50 note on my bed stand. Like he was paying me for my services.

This continued for a very long time. I cannot really remember everything as I have blocked most of my childhood from my mind. I just remember that fear that took hold of me when I heard my mom was going out the evening and I remember how I begged her not to go.

When I was 16 years old, I tried committing suicide. My mom asked me why I drank all the pills and I then told her everything. Unfortunately, she did not believe me and told me that if I tell anyone that childcare will take me away. I kept silent for years.

I fell pregnant at 19 with my daughter. He stopped and all was ok. He would then make sexual remarks to me when no-one was around but I learnt to deal with that. When my daughter was eight, I met a guy for the first time since she was born. I moved in with him with my daughter.

When my daughter was 12, I learnt that he was also sexually abusing her in some way. I immediately packed our stuff and left him. I had nowhere to go so I had to move back into my mom and stepdad. Whenever my stepdad was drunk, he would make sexual remarks towards me. I had to face him every single day knowing what he has done to me but I had to do this to protect my daughter.

Financially, I could not move into my own place and I left my ex with all our belongings so I had no choice but to stick it out. I am now 38 and my daughter is 18. She is writing her final exams and will be moving to her dad in Johannesburg end of November.

My mom passed away in April of this year and since then the sexual abuse from my stepdad started again. Our relationship is non-existent. I found a place to move into but will only move into this place beginning of December when my daughter has left for Johannesburg.

Sometime back after my mom passed, he stuck his hands into my panties. My stepdad bought me some furniture for my new place but at a price. He now wants to touch me (he calls it “swipe”). He wants to “swipe” his hand through my vagina. He says that he wants to sleep with me cause since my mom passed he’s been very horny. I cannot tell you what this is doing to me. I am dead inside. I cannot stop crying. Last night he came into my room and in front of my 18-year-old daughter told me that I owe him and I know exactly what I owe him and he will soon collect.

I am terrified. I am broken. I am at a point where I do not want to carry on anymore. I am 38 years old and I am still being sexually abused by my stepdad.